Seducing Mr. Right

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Seducing Mr Right- Deception in Online Dating

A recent article shared conclusions from researchers at UC Berkeley’s School of Information. The paper “Self-presentation and Deception in Online Dating” found pretty much what we’ve known all along.

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• Men are more likely to make the first move, sending that first “wink” or email. They’re quicker to respond to women’s queries.
• Women responded to only 16 percent of messages, and they take longer to respond.
• Both genders seek partners similar to themselves in age, education, height, religion, politics and views about smoking.
• Women are less open-minded, at least regarding ethnicity. They’re twice as likely as men to specify that they’re seeking someone of their own ethnicity.
• Both sexes tell white lies. Men say they are a half-inch taller. Women shave five pounds off their weight.
• Women’s profiles related more to home, sex and emotions; men’s profiles talked about work.
• A photograph is the dominant predictor of whether men will connect. Women value narratives in profiles in addition to pictures.

Some of this information was garnered by content analysis of people’s actual online behavior. They tracked people’s actions (who initiated contact, how long it took to respond, words in profiles). But they must have interviewed daters to get the info on what was attractive in a profile, their true height and how much they really weighed.

In another study reported in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, published by a team from Harvard Business School, Boston University and MIT, the conclusion was that less is more in how much is shared in a profile. Their reasoning: when a lot of information is exchanged, more differences are exposed and there is less attraction.

Now this conclusion I found interesting. I suppose it depends on what you are aiming to get out of the online dating experience. Personally, I was interested in meeting someone online BECAUSE of the opportunity to get to know similarities and differences without the pressure of the relationship, regardless of how early into the relationship we were ( like meeting someone at a bar and they start to like everything you like and hate everything you hate), and make decisions based on that information.

But, if you are dating online for the end result of dating, just the action, well, I can see you would want to give as little information as possible while still remaining interesting.

That seems to be such a waste of time to me. I would so much rather eliminate people that are clearly incompatible ( and I hope they would do the same to me) than date despite the core differences and try to make it work anyway.

I speak from experience. Marrying someone who doesn’t like who you really are is no fun for anyone.

Anyway, what do you think of these two studies? Anything here but common sense?

Mark August 10, 2010 at 7:58 am

I never liked putting a photo up. It bothered me to think of people I know possibly seeing my pic on an online dating site. I was always fine with exchanging pics after a woman and I had emailed a couple of times.

And I agree that there is a balance between not enough info and too much. The real problem I see is that people say the same things over and over again.

“I’m not into playing games.”

“I want to be friends first.”

“I am just as comfortable staying home and cuddling in front of the TV as I am in going out in my little black dress.”

“I like to go to museums and wineries.”

“My friends say I’m funny.”

“I like to go out and have a good time and laugh a lot.” Really? You enjoy laughing? At long last my search is over! I’ve found another who enjoys laughing!

When I read things like that above, what I’m really reading in nothing. It says nothing to me other than the woman lacks imagination. What I really want to see is some spark of intelligence in the profile. I don’t care if she likes museums. I do care if she tells me what she likes about museums — what’s her favorite exhibit she’s seen? Is there an art movement she especially likes, and why?

What a good profile does is convey a sense of the person.

I also think women respond to fewer messages because women get more messages. Men pursue. Women choose.

Seduce Mr Right into your very own super sexy Valentine!

Ladies, lighten up in the bedroom.

I was watching Cougar Town the other day (yes I am embarrassed). Courtney Cox plays a woman who sleeps with the first guy after she is semi-recently divorced. She is rating the experience with her girlfriends and she admits to being not-quite-a-six in the bedroom!

It’s interesting to me because I would think we are all trying to be spectacular in the bedroom! Don’t we all want to be “the best ever” memory?

Sex is incredible important to all of us, but more so for men. If you want to seduce Mr Right, bring some game to the bedroom (seems overly obvious).

The book, “She Comes First” is an amazing guide for men. Absolutely loaded with precious information to make a man into a VERY skilled lover. It’s funny, but I have been with mediocre lovers and suggested the book (not directly in the you are crap in bed read this way, but still) and the lame lovers without fail show no interest in the book.

Are we as women doing the same thing?

Probably.

Things I have heard: “I am just up, down, up, down, bored to death waiting for him to cum.” “I fake it just to get it over with.” ” There is no point in Viagra. It’s just bang bang bang all about him anyway.” “I can do the tie-up thing. I just laugh.” “I couldn’t wear that.” “I could never use a vibrator.” “I have never masturbated.” “I can’t orgasm.” “Oral is gross.” “I hate cum. It’s disgusting.” “I hate that thing poking into my back.”

The attitude is off. Sex is FUN. Crazy. Wild. Open. Intense.

Do it all. Try it all.

What are you afraid of?

Women are afraid of men recoiling in horror as you try something new which turns out to be over-the-top whorish never to be looked at the same again. He won’t.

It’s all about attitude girls. Men love sex. All men. The porn industry isn’t in business because it is a repulsive turn off. And YOUR man ISN’T different. He will DIE if you try something fun and different.

Learn to give a slow and sexy blow job. Swallow. Why is that so challenging? Swallowing is approval and affirmation that you are in to him and adore everything about him. Spitting him out is spitting him out. The simple simple act of swallowing can take a not-quite-a-six blow job into a spectacular 10…at least that’s how he will remember it!

Wear what he likes! Some men are after pink and white ruffle girly girls and some men are after the red and black seductress. Most men want both.

The five senses are excellent sex toys. If you haven’t tried it, you are missing an intense experience. Anytime you take one sense out of the picture, the others are heightened. The act of blindfolding or being blindfolded is far more intense than it should be. The anticipation of unknown touch is thrilling and the graze of the hand becomes electric.

Wearing an iPod or having him wear one creates a similar dynamic. Chose the music he really likes or make a sexy play-list and put it on him. His attention can only be on the sensation your touch is providing. You can give him a sexy massage or go down on him…whatever you do will be intensified.

Wax candles are also an unusual experience. Jimmyjane has very sexy/classy candles that are designed for this and keep the wax at a slightly lower temp than the normal ones. The trick to candles is, again, anticipation. Hold the candle higher than might come naturally to give the wax a moment to cool a bit on the way down. A slow, sexy, thin drizzle is what you are looking for. Then massage it into his skin. The thrill of what is about to happen combined with the warmth of the wax and your touch, is highly pleasurable.

Jimmyjane is carried by W Hotels. I would consider them the La Perla of the sex game. If you are a  little shy to jump in to this kind of sex, Jimmyjane is sexy and elegant, making it easy to introduce. “Jimmyjane’s winning combo of elegance, clever detail, and superior construction encourages even prudish types to grab a piece of the pleasure pie.” – Time Out New York

Turn up the heat early. Learn how to play with seductive texting!

Mistakes in your online dating profile will cost you. Make sure YOUR profile doesn’t have one of these!

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Want to get guys emailing you left and right? Purge your profile of these common problems—and try our more guy-friendly fixes.

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Ever wonder why a profile that describes you perfectly isn’t getting noticed by guys you’re dying to hear from? It’s not because you’re not a catch—rather, it could be that your profile contains some tiny red flags that, while invisible to the female eye, make guys think twice about winking and saying hello. But luckily, there’s nothing a few simple tweaks can’t fix. So go ahead and comb your write-up for the no-no’s, and try these substitutes (trust us, guys find them irresistible!).

Profile problem #1: Creating a laundry list of the perfect guy’s traits
Of course, we all want someone who’s hot, rich, interesting, hilarious—the whole package, and it’d be foolish not to have a few must-haves for the guy you’d like to get to know better. But when a woman spends her introductory paragraph going on and on about who she’s hoping to date, it can scare off men who don’t feel they can live up to those expectations.

Guy-friendly alternative: List just two or three of the most important things you want in a mate, whether it’s financial security or a passion for going out on the town every weekend. Lest you think you’re lowering your standards, think about the happiest couples you know: When they first started dating, were they exactly ideal? Or, think about someone you’ve dated who was perfect on paper but lacked that spark to keep you coming back. In other words, what makes a match work is not always based on meeting that checklist in your head. Nix it from your profile, and watch the guys pour in—then take your pick!

Profile problem #2: A picture that doesn’t really show you at your best

Post a blurry shot online and guys will wonder what you’re trying to hide.

We all have a shot of ourselves that we love, regardless of the fact that it’s a little blurry, distant… or that you’re wearing sunglasses that hide your eyes or a huge comfy sweater that obscures your figure. That’s fine if you like it and feel free to keep it for the fond memories—post it in your profile, though, and guys will wonder what you’re trying to hide. “An obscured photo is as good as no photo,” says Roman Griffen, author of Internet Dating: Tips, Tricks, Tactics. “Men are suspicious of a shot where they can’t make you out and since they’re so visually oriented, they’ll just skip your profile if that first picture doesn’t look good.”

Guy-friendly alternative: Easy: Set your main photo to one that shows you at your best—and leaves nothing important to guesswork. It doesn’t matter if the background is boring—your goal in that first picture is just to present yourself as accurately (and positively!) as possible. It’s fine to include your beloved, more obscure photo in your secondary shots.

Profile problem #3: Going overboard in the “about me” section
We’ve all heard that old statistic about women using, oh, seventy billion words for every one that a man says, and the same is true online. While many men’s personal essays struggle to reach the 200-character minimum, many women only stop when they hit the 2,000-character max. Now, there’s nothing wrong with telling us as much about yourself as you can fit into an essay, but keep in mind that not all guys like reading a wall of

“Soul mate”… “Knight in shining armor”… men get skittish when they see this kind of poetic language.
text—and may be tempted to move on purely because they’re not in a reading mood.

Guy-friendly alternative: Absolutely share some basics, but save some details for later. Use anecdotes that tell your readers about the real you: “Okay, here goes: I guess that most of my friends would probably say I’m really nice,” uses up 16 words and reveals almost nothing; but “I once walked an old lady four blocks because she needed directions but didn’t speak English” is a memorable, kick-butt story to include, and just a few stories like that will turn a guy’s head.

Profile problem #4: Listing all your hobbies, including ones that turn off guys
So you absolutely love baking, sewing, flower arranging? All fine ways to spend your time. But remember, in your profile you’re trying to attract a romantic partner. “When you list your hobbies, you need to remember that your reader should appreciate them,” says Cherie Burbach, author of At the Coffee Shop: If You Thought E- Dating Was for Freaks and Weirdos, Read This Book.

Guy-friendly alternative: List hobbies that a guy might be glad to join in on himself. Even if you don’t have any current activities that could fit the bill, list something you’d like to do, like “I’ve always wanted to try kayaking.” Not only may you attract some cute kayak enthusiast, you’ll show that you’re open to new things—and that’s an attractive trait.

Profile problem #5: Harping on your exes
Plenty of profiles start with an explanation of why the person is now single. “Prove to me that men aren’t jerks” or “Where are the nice guys?” crop up. Think it’s smart to be honest about your romantic past? Wrong. “The number-one mistake I see people making online is talking about their exes,” says Liz Kelly, author of SMART Man Hunting. The problem isn’t that you’ve had a bad experience, it’s that spending precious profile space on the jerk makes you appear unready to move on.

Guy-friendly alternative: Any time you find yourself writing about your ex, flip it into a positive statement that doesn’t involve him. Turn “I moved here two years ago to be with my boyfriend but then he broke up with me” into “I’ve lived here for two years and still feel like I’ve barely scratched the surface of this city.” And why write “My last boyfriend seemed perfect until he turned into a liar” when you could say “The most important thing to me is finding a guy who isn’t afraid to reveal himself, warts and all”?

Profile problem #6: Using flowery, fairy-tale language
Soul mate. Knight in shining armor. These terms permeate women’s profiles, and yet it probably comes as no surprise that men get skittish when they see poetic language along these lines. “The bottom line is that everyone dating online is looking for their soul mate, so you don’t have to use terms like that,” says Griffen. “In fact, doing so makes guys feel like they’re a candidate, not just a date, and it turns the pressure way up.”

Guy-friendly alternative: Hold off on the lovey talk until you’re in love. Instead, describe what hanging out with you would actually be like: Do you love ordering a pizza and playing videogames on rainy Saturdays? Or do you make a point of hitting a trendy new bar or restaurant on weekends to keep things interesting? It’s details like these that will draw guys in—and get you one step closer to finding that soul mate you’re looking for.

Want to know the other side of the story? Read “Mistakes Guys Make“.

Laura Gilbert writes for Health, The Knot, Stuff, and Radar—and is proud to say she’s never once used the words “soul mate” or “knight” in her profile. Or in a face-to-face conversation, for that matter.

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